It has been way too long since I’ve even logged into WordPress, much less thought about blogging or read any other blogs. It’s sad looking back on it, considering how much joy blogging brought me and the online community aspect that I enjoy so much was cut in half, by cutting out one of the sites that I had grown to love.
In the past months, I’ve grown quite depressed. I’ve learned that I become emotionally invested in things too easily, and applying for a job that I would love and never hearing back, or worse, getting that rejection letter, has spiraled me into a cycle of self-loathing and self-doubt. Although I have finally gotten a job that will at least help pay for the bills for the time being, the depression has worsened. I’m tired all the time, feel sluggish, and even thinking about doing anything that could lead to feeling worse about myself–including looking for jobs–just makes me feel worse. It’s a big jumble of feelings of failure, coping with living at home after essentially being on my own for four years, and working a job that isn’t terrible, but definitely isn’t what I want and barely even pays the little amount of bills I have.
A ray of hope shone through a couple of weeks ago.
In November, I began NaNoWriMo, but never finished it. I got to 22,000 words on my novel before getting accustomed to working again became too much for me and even thinking about typing out the 5,000 words I was behind in one night was terrifying. I finally decided I wasn’t going to finish within the timeline and cut my losses.
Then, while at Josh’s house a few weeks ago, I brought up my Word document where all 22,000 words were residing, and began reading. While I was writing, I hadn’t read back on it at all, deciding I wouldn’t until I edited. Looking back, the story is not bad with some cutting and editing, and the writing really isn’t bad at all, especially at the beginning. I still need to go through and read the rest of it, but it was somewhat encouraging, actually reading something that I had written and being proud of accomplishing the amount that I did.
Then this morning, even more of a breakthrough happened.
I’ve been looking for jobs on a Facebook group one of my college friends invited me to called Social Media Jobs. It gives the advantage of finding out about jobs from people in a community and sometimes provides inside contacts. I’ve applied for at least four or five of them already and will be writing cover letters for two more today. Having the opportunity to have some hope instead of casting an application into a dark abyss is more encouraging as of late. While lying in bed this morning reading my Flipboard app, I suddenly had the urge to read my old blog entries, just to see what I thought of them now.
Oddly, I didn’t find them as inferior as I used to. They actually sounded well-written, like blog entries that I read all the time online from well-established bloggers, such as on Mashable, Forbes, or any of the other blogs and websites that I read on a daily basis.
I suddenly knew that I needed to try again, to stop this hiatus I put on myself and begin practicing the one thing that brings me true purpose and joy: writing.
In the meantime, I’ll be applying for jobs, seeing what will come of it. I have plenty more stories and thoughts to share with you: and I hope you’ll enjoy them. I’m back for the long haul…and I’ll be seeing you on your blogs as well.